Coping with Grief and Loss: What to Expect and How to Heal

Grief is what we feel when we lose someone or something we love. It most often follows a death, but it can also come after a divorce, a miscarriage, a serious diagnosis, the loss of a job or home, or the end of a friendship. However it arrives, grief can be one of the most painful experiences in life. It is also a deeply human one. Grief is not a disorder or a sign of weakness; in many ways it reflects how much someone or something mattered to us.

What grief can feel like

People are often surprised by how many parts of life grief touches. Common experiences in the weeks and months after a loss include:

• Emotions: sadness, yearning, shock, numbness, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sometimes relief, especially after a long illness. Mixed feelings are normal.
• Body: fatigue, aches, tightness in the chest, changes in appetite and lowered resistance to everyday illnesses.
• Sleep: trouble falling or staying asleep, vivid dreams, or sleeping much more than usual. Our guide to sleep and mental health has tips that can help.
• Thinking: forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, replaying events, or feeling as though the person might walk through the door.
• Behavior: wanting to be alone, or not wanting to be alone at all; avoiding reminders, or seeking them out.

Grief usually comes in waves. You may have a fairly good morning and then be overwhelmed by a song, a smell or an empty chair at the table. Over time, the waves tend to become less frequent and less intense, even though they may never disappear entirely.

Why grief rarely follows neat stages

Many people have heard of the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The idea came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work with people who were dying, and it gave words to feelings many recognize. But research does not show that grieving people move through fixed stages in order. Some people never feel angry; others feel acceptance early and sadness later; many cycle back and forth.

A more helpful way to think about it comes from what researchers call the dual process model. Healthy grieving tends to involve moving between two kinds of activity: facing the loss (crying, remembering, feeling the absence) and turning toward life again (handling practical tasks, resting, enjoying moments of normality). Taking breaks from grief is not avoidance or disloyalty. It is part of how people cope. Many also keep a sense of connection to the person who died, through memories, rituals or values they carry forward, and that ongoing bond is usually a healthy thing.

Gentle ways to care for yourself

There is no way to skip grief, but some things can make it more bearable:

• Let feelings come and go. You do not need to be "strong" all the time. Crying, talking or simply sitting with sadness can be a relief.
• Look after the basics. Regular meals, water, daylight and gentle movement such as a short walk support both body and mood. See our article on exercise and mood.
• Accept practical help. When people offer, let them bring a meal, run an errand or help with paperwork. Specific requests are often easier for others to act on.
• Stay connected. Grief can be isolating. Even brief contact with a friend, family member or faith community can ease the weight. Our guide to loneliness and mental health has more ideas.
• Find ways to remember. Writing a letter, making a photo album, cooking a favorite recipe or planting something can give love somewhere to go.
• Plan for hard days. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries often bring grief back strongly. Deciding in advance how you want to spend them, and who you want nearby, can help.
• Postpone major decisions where you can, such as moving house, until the first intense period has eased.
• Be careful with alcohol and other substances. They can numb pain briefly but tend to worsen sleep, mood and anxiety over time.

Be patient with yourself. Grief does not have a deadline, and comparing your path to anyone else's rarely helps.

Grief, depression and prolonged grief

Grief and depression share features such as sadness, poor sleep and withdrawal, but they often feel different. In grief, painful feelings tend to center on the loss and come in waves, and people can still feel moments of warmth, humor or comfort, especially in memories. Depression is more likely to bring a constant low mood, a pervasive sense of worthlessness and a loss of pleasure in almost everything. The two can happen together, and depression after a loss deserves care just as it would at any other time.

For a minority of people, grief remains intense and disabling long after the loss without easing. Health professionals now recognize this as prolonged grief disorder. In the US diagnostic manual (DSM-5-TR), it is considered when, at least 12 months after a death (6 months for children and teens), a person still feels intense longing for or preoccupation with the person who died most days, along with difficulties such as feeling that part of themselves has died, strong disbelief, avoiding reminders, emotional numbness, or feeling life is meaningless, to a degree that interferes with daily life. It is not a sign of loving "too much," and it is treatable, often with grief-focused talk therapies.

Supporting someone who is grieving

If someone you care about has suffered a loss, you do not need perfect words. Saying "I am so sorry" and "I am here" is often enough. Use the name of the person who died, listen without trying to fix things, and offer concrete help. Keep checking in after the first few weeks, when support often fades but grief does not. Our guide on supporting a loved one offers more suggestions.

When to seek professional help

Grief counseling, support groups and therapy can help at any point, not only when things feel unmanageable. Many hospices offer bereavement support to families, and community groups exist for specific losses, such as the loss of a child, a partner or a loved one to suicide. Consider reaching out to a doctor or mental health professional if you cannot manage daily tasks for many weeks, if intense grief is not easing after many months, if you are relying on alcohol or drugs to cope, or if you feel persistently hopeless. Our guide to choosing a therapist can help you get started.

If you ever have thoughts of ending your life or of wanting to join the person who died, please reach out right away. In the US, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. You do not have to carry your loss alone.

Medical disclaimer: This article is for general educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always consult a qualified health professional about your situation. See our full disclaimer.